


An Angel, a Demon and a Child Saviour go to Hogwarts: Year One

by obaewankenope (rexthranduil)



Series: Absconding with Harry verse [5]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Absconding with Harry verse, Aziraphale as a librarian, BAMF Aziraphale (Good Omens), BAMF Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Was Raphael Before He Fell (Good Omens), Crowley as a professor, Dog-the-mongrel, Harry's first year, Hogwarts, Hogwarts First Year, M/M, Magic, SO MANY FOOTNOTES
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-19 21:32:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19364449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rexthranduil/pseuds/obaewankenope
Summary: “An owl, cat, or toad—what the fuck?” Crowley complains and Aziraphale smacks him on the arm for cursing.“Crowley! Language!” the angel gasps, plucking the letter from the demons hand to read it himself. “Well—that is—it’s a little restrictive, I’ll admit,” he says, frowning a little at the list and specifications. “But if those are the only options—”“Then we’ll make new options,” Crowley declares and Harry—enjoying the rebelliousness of his uncle Crowley immensely—nods vigorously.





	An Angel, a Demon and a Child Saviour go to Hogwarts: Year One

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Tiếng Việt available: [Một Thiên thần, một Ác quỷ và một Cậu bé Cứu thế bước vào Hogwarts: Năm nhất](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19965943) by [itriedmybest (Wildflowerfield)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wildflowerfield/pseuds/itriedmybest)



> SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING DATING YOU WALNUTS. IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU AMAZING TO COMMENT ON THE SAME DAMNED THING OVER AND OVER. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. HOW ABOUT YOU COMMENT "WOW, I LOVE HARRY AND THE TRIO" INSTEAD OF GETTING OFF ON "WELL ACT-U-ALLY THE TIMELINE IS THIS-" YOU WALNUTS. 
> 
>  
> 
> This has taken me two days to write omg. I've condensed the whole of the first HP book into less than 10k jfc. And in the GO style too. I want a hug. Please hug me. I'm dead. This has killed me omg.

Harry’s letter is unsurprising for Crowley and Aziraphale for several reasons: number one) Harry has performed minor feats of magic ever since he began living with them above Aziraphale’s shop[1]. Number two) there are a select number of books in Aziraphale’s shop that are, to put it delicately, not for the mundane[2]. These books have been found and read by Harry with no damaging side-effects except when one specific chapter gave Harry the idea that levitation was a neat idea and thus must be performed at all times[3]. And, lastly, number three) several instances of poorly-disguised wizards appearing in the shop and trying to abscond with Harry only to be thwarted either by Harry himself, Aziraphale miracling them somewhere rather Unpleasant—he still refuses to tell Crowley _where_ —or Crowley himself transforming into a rather terrifying serpent and constricting them to the point of unconsciousness before sending them to a cow field that is particularly pungent-smelling[4].

The requirements for his education, however, leave something to be desired.

“An owl, cat, or toad—what the fuck?” Crowley complains and Aziraphale smacks him on the arm for cursing.

“Crowley! Language!” the angel gasps, plucking the letter from the demons hand to read it himself. “Well—that is—it’s a little restrictive, I’ll admit,” he says, frowning a little at the list and specifications. “But if those are the only options—”

“Then we’ll make new options,” Crowley declares and Harry—enjoying the rebelliousness of his uncle Crowley immensely—nods vigorously.

“It’d be awesome if I could take a dog!” Harry exclaims and Crowley is a little put out since he was considering a snake, but this is Harry and if he wants a dog, then a dog he shall have[5]. “I could take it to class with me!”

Aziraphale laughs lightly. “I don’t think they would allow you to take your dog to class, Harry,” he says, quite reasonably.

“Why not?” Challenges Crowley. “The dog’d[6] be his familiar wouldn’t it? Stands to reason they’d have to let the kids have their animals with them whenever they want.”

Harry beams at this and Aziraphale gives Crowley a Frowny Look—the kind that says “you are being deliberately oppositional now and I know it so stop it”—that makes Crowley smile brightly at him.

“Perhaps,” Aziraphale begrudgingly agrees, letting himself smile a little at the prospect of the type of mischief a boy and his dog can get up to in a classroom. “We’ll see, won’t we?”

Diagon Alley is, in a word, disastrous. Crowley and Aziraphale bracket themselves around Harry like parentheses[7] and act as a tidal wall to break the waves of people milling about the—well-diagonal alley full of wizarding shops and wizarding people.

“Why does he even need a wand? Kid’s got plenty of magic, can just point and click his fingers like we do, can’t he?” Crowley asks for what is probably the dozenth time—it is in fact, the fourteenth time and Aziraphale has been counting—as they reach the wandmakers shop. “Pointless waste of wood if you ask me.”

“Yes, but we’re _not_ asking you,” Aziraphale snips, as he pushes the door to the shop open. “Harry requires a wand to focus his magic, unlike us, now _hush_. We’re supposed to be _normal_.”

“Normal, pfft!” Crowley saunters in behind Aziraphale and Harry, shrugging derisively at Aziraphale when the angel gives him a sharp look. “We’re in a shop selling wands, angel. Not exactly normal.”

“I—well—yes but, more normal than—than us,” Aziraphale admits quietly, frowning at Crowley who just smirks at him. “Stop being annoying, Crowley. Now is not the time.”

“Oh I disagree, angel,” Crowley looks around the shop. “Being annoying is a full-time gig.”

Aziraphale ignores the demon, focusing instead on Harry and not giving Crowley what-for in a verbal manner. The shop is rather dusty and dark, obviously in need of a good cleaning, but Aziraphale can recognise the signs of someone who deeply loves their craft in the way the boxes, although dusty, are in perfect condition. This Ollivander fellow is obviously capable, then.

“Ah, Harry Potter.”

And _incredibly_ creepy.

Both angel and demon step up beside Harry, protective and perfectly capable of being creepy and intimidating themselves if needed—though Crowley is skipping both and going for a more terrifying vibe. The old man—wizard—wandmaker steps into view from behind a drab curtain and reveals a head of hair that would rival Albert’s for chaotic[8].

“Yes! Hello there! You must be the—uh—the proprietor of this establishment!” Aziraphale says, pasting on a polite smile that is a little too false and only a little bit obviously fake for that reason. “We’ve come to enquire about a—well—a wand for our nephew here!”

The wandmaker stares at Aziraphale and Crowley stood on either side of Harry—a happy, healthy-looking, completely okay with the protectiveness of them both Harry—and makes a decision.

“Very well, I have a selection for you to choose from.”

Aziraphale relaxes with a _floosh_ of breath but Crowley, ever the paranoid sort, remains alert and wary until they procure a wand for Harry—paying for it with the money the wizarding world has created on its own, a strange currency but Crowley is good with numbers so not a problem really—and escape the wand shop with only a minor bit of weird creepy talk from the wandmaker[9].

The rest of the shops are easy—although they do go to Gringotts in order to enquire about Harry’s family vault—and they are in and out of Diagon Alley by teatime. As a result, they—and by ‘they’ I mean, ‘Aziraphale and Harry’—declare that they really want food and angel cake and thus all of them end up in a little café near to the pub that acts as the entry point to Diagon Alley in London.

All-in-all, it is an enjoyable trip that gives Harry a taste of what the magical world-proper is like. It whets his appetite even more and by the time September rolls around, the eleven-year-old wizard is _bouncing_ around the bookshop and flat like a bouncy ball that’s been flung with considerable strength. He won’t admit it, but Crowley is partly relieved Harry is attending a boarding school for most of the year, but the larger part of him that has grown ruthlessly attached to the child is sad and forlorn.

Thus, it is no surprise that Crowley—having caved and gotten Harry a dog that was a simple mongrel mix but may also, possibly, have had a little bit more wolf in it than is typical—travels to Hogwarts and assumes the position of Care of Magical Creatures at the school in order to keep an eye on his nephew.

It is _also_ no surprise that Aziraphale also heads to Hogwarts to watch over both Harry and Crowley and pretend that he is offering positive guidance to a child with a Great Future for the benefit of heaven[10]. The Sorting Feast is, as a result of this, _incredibly_ amusing for Harry when he recognises _both_ of his uncles have somehow figured out a way to be at Hogwarts even though neither of them are wizards[11].

 

* * *

 

 

Harry is pleased to note that he is placed in the same house as his parents—although he doesn’t remember them, having the association of being in the same Hogwarts house as them is comforting for the orphaned child _regardless_ of the fact that he may have been better suited for any of the other houses[12]. Both Aziraphale and Crowley notice the way Albus I’m-so-smart-and-sneaky Dumbledore is pleased by Harry’s sorting and, while they don’t begrudge Harry the connection to his parents, are Displeased by Dumbledore’s shitty attitude.

By the end of Harry’s first night at Hogwarts, Crowley and Aziraphale have firmly cemented in the minds of their fellow staff that they are: “very strange but in a sweet way” (Aziraphale), “very probably evil wizards intent on killing us all” (Crowley), and, lastly, “very much in love but denying it” (both). All of the guesses are somewhat right, though neither Crowley or Aziraphale have any intention of Clearing Things Up since they both enjoy a bit of chaos—even if Aziraphale pretends otherwise, Crowley knows him too well to think the angel would ever pass up a chance at messing with people.

Of their fellow staff members, three are Problematic For Various Reasons. The first is, naturally, Albus Dumbledore; headmaster and stupid prick who leaves orphans with racist, xenophobic, nasty people. The second is Severus Snape; potions master and a Generally Unpleasant Person who Crowley feels would get along well with Hastur and Ligur. Last but not least is Quirinus Quirrell; defence against the dark arts—“the dark arts? How pretentious is that, angel?” Crowley mocks when he hears about it—and absolute chicken who is afraid of his own shadow.

Although Quirrell doesn’t strike them as the type to be dangerous, the DADA professor is far too timid to be of Any Real Use and—as Crowley mentions to Aziraphale under his breath after meeting him—there’s something “strange about his smell; no it’s not the garlic, I know what garlic smells like!”.

Dog-the-mongrel-with-a-bit-of-wolf-in-her[13] has had a ball of a time with Hogwarts but, generally, is seldom seen in the castle. Like most of the pets the students have, she wanders the grounds and enjoys the freedom of Scottish geography in the way any canine with a bit more wolf than most enjoys it; by hunting poor little rabbits and terrorising any cat that crosses her path.

Harry makes friends quickly, befriending a young witch called Hermione Granger—“a lovely name, Hermione! It means ‘princess of Hermes’ you know?” Aziraphale exclaims, smiling brightly at the bushy-haired girl when Harry introduces her to him—with ease after mentioning how his “uncle Aziraphale owns a bookshop in London”, and a young wizard by the name of Ronald “Ron” Weasley—“oh, he has red hair like you, Crowley dear!” Aziraphale grins at the dark look Crowley gives him but both of them are polite enough even when ‘Ron’ gawps at them for being “Harry Potter’s uncles!”[14].

He regularly visits both of them outside of class, towing Hermione and Ron along with him and it reassures both angel and demon to see their de facto son with peers his own age that know about magic and can Understand Him That Way. In London it had been much harder considering they enrolled him in a nearby primary school and had to keep explaining to Harry that regular people—non-magical and non-immortal in this case—don’t understand Harry for his magic and while the children will like it, their parents will—to put it mildly—‘freak the fuck out’[15].

Halloween is, in a word, disastrous. The day starts off like any other day, though the students are more hyped up for the feast later on than on other days. Crowley finds that he’s a surprisingly decent teacher—especially when he ropes in one Rubeus Hagrid as an assistant for practical and theoretical lessons combined[16]—and has no problem exposing the children to creatures that could easily kill them if they’re not careful[17]. It endears him to most of the students if not, naturally, to their parents—or members of staff who think him Unprofessional or Whatever Other Rubbish They Harp On About Him In The Staffroom for actually enjoying the teaching and engaging with his students creatively[18].

By the time lunch comes around on Halloween, there are rumours galore about this and that and Crowley—being the demon he is—helps seed some of his own for the sake of it. It’s quite pleasant, come to think of it, and instantly Crowley knows that it cannot last. Halloween is a day of change, of thinning things and stranger happenings and he’s never known a single Halloween day to go well for him. Not since 1702.

It is for that reason that Crowley is the first to react when Quirrell comes barging through the doors of the Great Hall looking paler than the DADA professor ever has—a feat indeed for the pasty professor who seldom leaves his classroom save for meals—and proclaims “TROLLLLLLLLLLL! TROLLLL IN THE DUNGEOONNNNNNN! Thought you ought to know” and dead-faints in the middle of the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables.

He’s up and over the staff table—legs doing the usual thing they do when he ignores physics and How Legs Work Entirely—and half-way down the gap between the tables before the first scream leaves a students’ throat.

“Not to worry!” He bellows cheerfully, passing the unconscious Quirrell and giving the professor a sly kick in the process. “I’ll handle it! Haven’t had me a fight with a troll in centuries, ha!”

“Crowley don’t you dare!” Aziraphale shouts after him, rising from the staff table, but the demon ignores him with glib glee to head for the troll and beat it senseless—or whatever else he’s going to do to it, no one in the Great Hall rightly knows.

But the sight of the Care of Magical Creatures professor gleefully heading towards the dungeon does a more spectacular job of dissolving the fear and tension Quirrell’s words had elicited in the whole hall. Aziraphale stood glaring at the doors adds a measure of amusement to the whole affair that has Dumbledore trying to save face by declaring that the “feast shall continue but no students are permitted to leave the hall until Professor Crowley returns” before he, McGonagall and Snape all leave.

Aziraphale is curious about where they’re going but, considering that Harry is still in the Great Hall, he remains himself and gives Harry a reassuring smile. Both of them know Crowley will fair better than the troll—no matter what size it is—since he’s a demon and turns into a snake, but they worry regardless.

“Harry, your uncle is _mental,”_ Ron says to Harry who nods and grins.

“He’s a demon, says it’s in his nature,” Harry replies and Ron just shrugs and takes another bite of the chicken drumstick in his hand.

“Fair enuff.”

When Crowley returns to the Great Hall, he’s got a few scratches and his sunglasses are hanging off one ear revealing his eyes, but he’s grinning widely and saunters up to Harry to throw an arm over his shoulder.

“That was brilliant, that was, right laugh!” Crowley declares, enjoying the wide-eyed, awe-filled stares he’s getting from the Gryffindors surrounding Harry. “Never had to tell a Troll to Troll-off before!”

“Crowley you utter fool!” Aziraphale exclaims from behind him, hands coming up to grasp at the edges of the demon’s robes. “Look at the state of you! You didn’t even clean yourself up—have to always make an entrance.”

“You love it, angel,” Crowley says, grinning at Aziraphale who huffs out a little smile of his own.

“Honestly, must I do _everything_ myself?” The angel questions sarcastically, snapping his fingers and Crowley’s robes are miraculously clean and neat, his hair less ruffled, and the scratches healed. The only thing Aziraphale doesn’t fix are Crowley’s sunglasses, which he plucks off instead and pockets in his own robes. “You have such lovely eyes, Crowley, I do wish you wouldn’t hide them away all the time.”

This leaves Crowley wordless long enough for Harry to giggle along with half the table at his shocked expression levelled at the angel. It’s an amusing expression, to be fair.

“Right,” Crowley croaks, clearing his throat and looking away from Aziraphale to give Harry a Look. “Enough of that, you,” he says to Harry who continues to giggle before he and Aziraphale head back to the staff table for the rest of the feast.

By the time Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape return, the feast is again in full swing, Crowley is lounging in Dumbledore’s thro- chair and Aziraphale is sat in McGonagall’s seat nattering away to the demon with a soft smile on his face[19].

Neither of them seem willing to give up their chosen seats for the night and thus Dumbledore is consigned to sitting next to Snape where there is a strained correspondence of Looks and Words while McGonagall enjoys sitting in Aziraphale’s usual seat next to Hagrid and having a lively discussion with the assistant CoMC professor.

 

* * *

 

 

Christmas holidays begin with the same sort of fanfare the Christmas season always brings out in people: absolute chaos. Students running around the castle searching for misplaced items, professors all-but pulling their hair out over essays that have to be handed in still, and a librarian on the war path for every unreturned book in the Hogwarts library.

Harry loves every second of it—even if he could do without the essays.

It is, by group consensus, agreed that they shall return to London for the duration of the holiday period, though Harry is allowed to visit his friends as they both are heading home—although Hermione is reluctant as she cannot access the Hogwarts library from home, until Aziraphale mentions his bookshop and how she can study there if she wishes to, then she is single-handedly planning her Christmas holidays for her family to include as much time at the bookshop as possible. Crowley only has one stipulation; he meets their families first[20].

The meeting is short and sweet, mostly owing to Aziraphale’s determined approach to it all, but Crowley and Molly Weasley come to a terse agreement where neither will ruin the other because Harry Likes Them And It Would Upset Harry[21]. Harry enjoys his time at the Weasley home—“it’s called The Burrow, how cool is that?”—but admits that he loves being with his uncles more than with his friend’s family because—“you love me for me, not because of my name”—and that doesn’t make Crowley or Aziraphale burst into tears; except that it does.

Crowley blames it on allergies to Christmas pudding and Aziraphale hits him with a spatula for saying such a _cruel_ thing about pudding. Harry’s laughter makes their Christmas all the more enjoyable but by the time the new term arrives, the three of them are happy to make their way back to Hogwarts for the rest of the school year.

Harry, Hermione, and Ron end up in detention with Draco Malfoy after attempting to have a duel with the young boy. They are caught by Crowley and McGonagall—had it been only Crowley they’d have gotten away with it, but McGonagall is a stickler and thus they were stickled—and their detention is a stint in the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid looking for unicorns. It is, at this point, that Harry discovers a new Fascination that he shares with Hermione and Ron but won’t tell his uncles just yet.

“Not until I’m sure, I don’t want them to think I’m stupid” Harry says to his friends after they return to the tower and settle on one of the couches near the still burning fire. It’s past midnight but it is a weekend and thus they needn’t be up godawful early for classes. Both Hermione and Ron frown at Harry for his stubborn refusal to talk about his scar, the cloaked figure in the forest, and the general number of suspicions he has about Things with his uncles.

“As if they’d think you’re stupid, Harry, they bloody adore you mate” Ron replies, shaking his head at his friend. “Seriously, they’re _mental_ about you.”

Hermione agrees. “Ron’s right Harry, you should tell them”. The look she gives him is very much one she has learnt from Aziraphale and conveys the perfect amount of  you-are-being-stupid as well as you’re-lucky-I-love-you that Harry smiles a little.

“Maybe,” Harry hedges, before he distracts them both with talk of their latest essay for potions.

Aziraphale and Crowley are content—mostly—to wait until Harry comes to them and shares his Fascination with them since he’s always done that before. They trust that Harry will come to them if he’s in danger however, they both forget that, although they’ve had Harry for three years now, nine years of his life were spent not trusting adults to Act Particularly Adult and, as such, Harry sometimes lets old habits rule his actions.

Earlier on in the year, Dog-the-mongrel had tried to scare a particularly smug-looking tabby cat only to get the shock of her life when said tabby cat transformed into an unimpressed witch with a pointed hat and even pointier words for her and her owner. At that point, Crowley had introduced Dog-the-mongrel to Hagrid and Fang which had been, overall, the Best Idea Ever. Harry gained a new friend in Hagrid and Fang gained a protective companion that made going into the Forbidden Forest an absolute breeze considering she seemed more terrifying than anything in the forest itself[22].

Summer begins and classes start to wrap up as exams are set up and students begin to stress about revising and passing and failing and which subjects they want to continue with and so on. Crowley tells his classes that anyone who doesn’t kill whatever creature and can at least write their own name is allowed to continue with Care of Magical Creatures. This results in him being buried under a pile of seriously stressed out fifth years who have been panicking over studying for all their classes on top of the suddenly heavy workload CoMC has given then since Crowley took over[23].

Aziraphale takes great pleasure in being able to loan out books laden in charms and spells designed to protect them from students destroying them but with the exam-season, he’s a little frazzled around the edges when certain students test these charms and spells to their limits. Crowley wisely doesn’t irritate the angel for a few days, preferring instead to let Aziraphale focus on not accidentally smiting any of the students who return books that are a little worse for wear[24].

 

* * *

 

 

Four days into June, Harry, Ron, and Hermione undertake a truly idiotic task of trying to get the Philosopher’s Stone before a certain evil professor can. They mistakenly think it is Snape who is after the stone when it is, in fact, the snivelling coward Quirrell, but at least they did some pretty good logical thinking to reach their initial conclusions. Ron is side-lined by a giant chess set where he gets walloped by a stone Queen. Hermione outlasts Ron by one more test but can’t get past the rest as it is a One Person Only kind of deal—and also they’re tests that Crowley and Aziraphale designed and Harry knows the Answers but he won’t tell Hermione since she needs to Warn Someone[25].

“But Dumbledore isn’t at the school!” Hermione exclaims, upset and Harry rolls his eyes.

“Forget Dumbledore,” he instructs, holding Hermione by the shoulders to keep her focused on him. “Tell my uncles. They’ll be in the library; uncle Crowley always bothers uncle Zira there because uncle Zira basically lives there.” Harry gives Hermione a reassuring smile. “I’ll be fine. Just tell them. And get Ron some help too.”

Crowley and Aziraphale appear in time to stop Quirrell from trying to kill Harry, though their appearance is a less dramatic than that of Dog-the-mongrel who bursts through a literally wall of fire to savage Quirrell’s legs with the ferocity of a dog intent on protecting its master.

This doesn’t stop both demon and angel from attacking Quirrell, they simply don’t bother to get in Dog-the-mongrel’s way and leave her to Quirrell’s rather tasty and meaty calves. Aziraphale summons a weapon of celestial being—not The Flaming Sword but rather a small Flaming Dagger that is just as effective even if its reach is shorter—to jab at Quirrell with while Crowley goes the traditional route and slams a fist into the side of the DADA professor’s jaw.

This coincidentally reveals the distorted face on the back of Quirrell’s head when his turban is knocked off by the force of Crowley’s punch. Thusly, Aziraphale has a brand-new target for his Flaming Dagger and gleefully slashes at the face of the-once-Lord-Voldemort.

The possessed professor lashes out with wandless magic, disrupting Crowley and Aziraphale long enough to wrap his fingers around Harry’s neck, only to cry out in pain when the fingers begin to sizzle and burn from the contact.

“Oi! Get off him!” Crowley shouts, grabbing the shoulder of Possessed Professor and dragging him away from Harry, accidentally unfurling his wings from his back with the force he has to exert. The wings flare behind him, four instead of two because this isn’t just Crowley-being-a-demon, this is Crowley-who-was-an-Archangel-and-is-Angry and this Crowley will _not_ let someone hurt a kid.

Especially Harry.

Aziraphale takes the opportunity presented by Crowley pulling Possessed Professor away from their adopted son and confusing him with four wings mysteriously sprouting from Crowley’s back, to slam the Flaming Dagger into the chest of Possessed Professor. This elicits a pained shriek from Quirrell and the face on the back of his head—obviously owing to the fact that the face is evil and Quirrell evil-by-association-via-possession—and both Crowley and Aziraphale watch in honest surprise as smokey-dust flakes off of Quirrell’s body, both from the back of his head and his hands.

Before their eyes—and Dog-the-mongrel who has released her hold on Quirrell’s leg now that it’s sort of collapsing in on itself—Harry, Crowley, and Aziraphale watch Quirrell disintegrate until there’s nothing more than a pile of dust and a vaguely face-shaped smoke shadow shouting obscenities at them which Crowley rolls his eyes at and snaps his fingers[26].

The smoke shadow is promptly removed from their vicinity, sent to some random forest in Romania where it can stay for however long it likes so long as it doesn’t come near Harry, just in time for Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, and Severus Snape to burst through the wall of flames, wands drawn.

“What happened?” McGonagall questions, striding over to Harry worriedly, even though she keeps her wand up and has a suspicious expression on her face as she survey Crowley and Aziraphale.

“Harry stopped the now deceased Quirrell from stealing a priceless artefact,” Crowley drawls, rocking on his feet and giving McGonagall a smile. It’s the kind of smile he gives people to try and be appeasing but it’s really just annoying. “You can thank him later, he needs some sleep and fixing up from fighting with a plant earlier.”

“Also flying keys that attacked me,” Harry pipes up, helpfully, and Crowley nods.

“And those.”

Neither Crowley nor Aziraphale are in any mood to explain to the three professors what the fuck just happened—Harry is shaking, the shock hitting after the adrenaline has fled his system, and he is their priority thank you very much—so they simple freeze time and abscond with him to their living space inside the library to get some much-needed rest.

They also, possibly, sit Harry down and have a very Detailed Discussion about how he can come to them with anything; “yes, even if it’s stupid and pointless” Crowley has to reassure Harry that he’s not in trouble but that they’d rather he actually tell them Before The Bad Stuff Happens.

Albus Dumbledore shows up at the door an hour later, supremely unimpressed with their Shenanigans and—in the way that Dumbledore does best—demands an explanation.

Crowley, instead of explaining, happily informs Dumbledore that the only reason neither he nor Aziraphale have murdered the stupid fucking idiot is because “it’d cause way too much paperwork” for their “respective offices” and to “get the fuck out and leave Harry alone”.

Crowley may also tell Dumbledore in no uncertain terms that Harry is staying with them for good and that no wizard is a match for them and also:

“If you think I’m letting him go back to that nasty cow of an aunt of his then you’re absolutely fucking bonkers! He’s staying with us and you’ll have to kill me to take him,” Crowley says and it’s no joke, it’s not an exaggeration. It’s a Fact.

It is a Proclamation.

Heaven couldn’t kill Crowley. Hell couldn’t kill him. Like fuck will a wizard with awful fucking dress-sense manage what those two places cannot. Like. Fuck.

“You will also—I’m afraid—have to go through me,” Aziraphale declares, coming to stand beside Crowley in their little living space where Harry has a room to himself if he ever needs it—like now. “And I’m not a fan of fighting really. But I will! For Harry.”

Dumbledore stares at the both and he’s trying to read their minds but they’re over six thousand years old and no human can possibly understand that sort of scale of existence. He can’t even fathom how they think let alone what they are, and it’s a vexed, put out Dumbledore that leaves them alone twenty minutes later after agreeing to their ‘demands’.

Madam Pomfrey isn’t nearly as easy to deal with when she learns they absconded with her patient. It took Crowley an hour and a half of relentless grilling by the healer—and then a hands-on demonstration of his skill—before she begrudgingly accepted that Harry was Perfectly Okay and Crowley knew what he was doing[27].

The end of year feast is entertaining because Gryffindor wins and Harry is hoisted up by the Weasley twins who are cheering loudly for him. Hermione and Ron are hoisted up as well since they managed to get their house the windfall of points needed to steamroller over Slytherin. Crowley secretly thinks Dumbledore did the points during the feast just to be Dramatic, but he can’t be too mad about it when Harry gives him the biggest smile he’s ever seen on the kids face since that day he took him away from Number Four.

Harry returns to London via the Hogwarts Express while Aziraphale and Crowley just teleport over—though they utilise Crowley’s Bentley for the teleportation as it’s not exactly difficult for him to take a vehicle containing their belongings and themselves as a vessel for transport—to the station and pick him up the moment he’s peeled himself away from the Weasley family and the Granger family.

Together they return to the bookshop and enjoy the summer in London until a large-eyed, very dedicated House-Elf shows up and tries to ruin it all. But that is a story for another time.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

[1] His first feat had been magicking himself a plate of rather delicious pink wafers (these are tasty bis- cook- we call them biscuits okay, Americans, accept it) from the cupboard because he was engrossed in watching a documentary about sharks on TV and was hungry at the same time. Aziraphale witnessed the resulting appearance of the delicious snacks and went about miracling himself some as well. Both of them had discovered an entire channel of documentaries and, unfortunately for Crowley, they loved watching them at all times.

[2] Mundane as human without magical abilities and, also, mundane as people who are a little Too Dull to imagine any of the contents of the books as possible even with magical abilities. Harry—being not at all mundane—found the books fascinating.

[3] Crowley found the situation to be hilarious considering the chaos Harry caused up to the point where the child decided to levitate himself up to the skylight and sit on the edging of it precariously with a snack. At that point, Crowley conceded that Aziraphale was right and Harry had to Stop Levitating This Instant. Harry, needless to say, was Not Pleased with this development. He did, however, do as requested and limited his levitating to only a few feet rather than a few hundred.

[4] Naturally, it goes without saying, that Crowley and Aziraphale both modify the memories of these individuals to ensure they don’t return. This, also, allows them information on who keeps sending these people. It is for this reason—and many others—that neither demon nor angel are particularly impressed with one Albus—six-dozen-middle-names-Dumbledore.

[5]Dogs, generally, are not something Crowley particularly _likes_. They tend to always chew on his trousers and his shoes whenever he leaves them around. However, although he isn’t their greatest fan, Crowley has never left a dog alone or in a bad situation. He has, then, at various points in his life, rescued several hundred canines that he has rehomed with families or individuals who will appreciate them as they ought to be appreciated. This is a fact about Crowley that Aziraphale knows in the Abstract but Crowley will Never Willingly Admit.

[6] This is actually “the dog would be” but Crowley is lazy with pronunciation at times, preferring to squash words and letters together until half of them are missing.

[7] Yes, that _is_ a pun, what of it?

[8] Albert Einstein was a personal friend of Crowley’s and Aziraphale’s at one point or another in time. They both considered his later hairstyle to be, in a word, crazy but the style suited the physicist perfectly; it does _not_ suit Garrick Ollivander.

[9] “The wand chooses the wizard, mister Potter!” Crowley had really wanted to ask how a piece of wood does that when choosing implies sentience and awareness of there being a choice, but the wandmaker distracted him with talk of how the wand Harry now possesses is a twin of the one that gave him the lightning scar on his forehead. The demon has Plans to return to Ollivander’s at a later date to pester the wandmaker but he refuses to take Harry in there ever again. Garrick Ollivander is too creepy for Crowley’s tastes and Harry is not to be exposed to too-creepy-even-for-uncle-Crowley things.

[10] Aziraphale, rather _conveniently_ , replaces a rather unhappy, irritable, librarian who longed for retirement but trusted no one to be able to care for her precious books until she met Aziraphale and met a kindred book-loving-to-the-point-of-violence soul and accepted her generous retirement package from Hogwarts.

[11] They existed long before magic was a thing for humanity and will, hopefully, exist long after humanity also. As such, Harry only calls them wizards when it is necessary. Otherwise, they are ‘angel’ and ‘demon’ respectively.

[12] The Sorting Hat, at one point, all but begs Harry to consider the other houses but, unfortunately for it, it had answered Harry’s question of which houses his parents had been in and—thusly—ruined its own chances of having a bright child in the Smart house, a sly child in the Sly house, a loyal child in the Loyal house, and ended up with a child-who-is-all-of-those-things-and-more-because-children-should-not-be-pidgeon-holed-at-eleven into the Brave house.

[13] Dog-the-mongrel is not to be confused with just Dog who happens to also be a hellhound. This is Harry Potter, not Adam Young, and Harry is the Saviour of the magical world of Britain—because they cannot save themselves apparently— _not_ the antichrist as is the case with Adam Young.

[14] One child that Harry does not make friends with is Draco Malfoy. The Malfoy boy is rude to Ron at just the wrong moment and, although Harry has been raised by Crowley and Aziraphale, this act by Draco results in Harry rejecting Draco’s offer of friendship while publicly scolding the other eleven-year-old for being rude and derisive for no reason other than “for the sake of it”. Ron officially loves Harry after this and is absolutely stoked to be friends with him.

[15] Harry had been most put out by this and had only accepted the necessity of it when the TV miraculously showed a documentary about the witch hunts in Europe and discussed how modern-day witch-hunters still “walk among us”. The irony isn’t lost on Crowley or Aziraphale that they do, in fact, know an actual witch-hunter by the name of Shadwell but they both decided to keep the eccentric man away from Harry at all costs.

[16] Albus Dumbledore had raised a complaint about Crowley’s decision for only as long as he could blink before the demon had told him—rather loudly—to “FUCK RIGHT OFF TELLING ME WHO I CAN HAVE AS MY ASSISTANT YOU COLOUR-CODED DISASTER” and storming out of Dumbledore’s office, taking extra care to cause a lot of chaotic damage to various objects in the magpie nest it was.

[17] Crowley had impressed this upon them all in every class by periodically assuming the form of one of the creatures they were to ‘care’ for and terrorising them with it until he decided They Got The Point and transforming back to his human shape. Oddly enough, the children now looked _forward_ to his lessons and figuring out which of the creatures he was in the group—though none of them tried to figure it out by being rude, mean, or cruel to any of the creatures as they’d received a lot of detentions with the new librarian who was only cheerful until he learned who had sent them to him; then he was Scary.

[18] Crowley is quite certain that if someone told Severus Snape or Minerva McGonagall to approve their lessons with _fun in mind_ , they’d likely explode; the former because he’s a Nasty Nastier and the latter because she is Traditional Teaching Only Thank You Very Much You English Dog. Crowley likes McGonagall for her no-nonsense attitude in life but she could stand to loosen up a little more—let her hair down, hex Snape a few times, chase some birds, that sort of thing.

[19] Quirrell had been left unconscious on the floor between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables as none of the staff or students have any desire to deal with the dramatics of the man.

[20] This is more to do with Ron’s family since they’re magical and if they had half a mind to, they could steal Harry and then he and Aziraphale would have to murder an entire family to get him back because _no one_ is taking their son from them and least of all anyone who apparently thinks the sun shines out of Albus Dumbledore’s fucking arse!

[21] Aziraphale makes _no_ such agreement and is, as such, the much more dangerous party of their little trio family group.

[22] Obviously this isn’t the case, but Crowley had, upon obtaining Dog-the-mongrel for Harry, placed a rather ingenious little demonic miracle on her that made her more terrifying to any mortal creature so that she could better protect Harry. Aziraphale continued to suspect that Dog-the-mongrel was actually a hellhound but Crowley refused to confirm or deny the suspicion—confirming it by doing just that as it happens when Dog-the-mongrel later leaps through a wall of fire to protect Harry from a possessed DADA professor.

[23] Crowley admits to Aziraphale later on that it had been kind of fun but it was _really_ intended to cause a little more chaos for the other members of staff. It did, but Aziraphale isn’t fooled. Crowley is a big old softie when it comes to kids and Aziraphale _knows_ it.

[24] Some of the worst offenders are, as to be expected, the Weasley twins. They seem to be capable of the impossible in regard to what is and is not possible with spells, charms, potions and so on. Aziraphale has an ever-growing list of what the Weasley twins have managed to do to the books they’ve taken out of the library. He has had to issue an ultimatum to them; if they wish to use a book, they cannot take it from the library but instead ask Aziraphale to make a copy of the relevant sections for them to use. Unfortunately for Aziraphale, he was overheard stating this by a group of Ravenclaw’s and now he’s miracling up entire books almost for students to use. It’s a good pastime however and he can include it on his monthly memos to heaven for what miracles he’s performed lately.

[25] Crowley’s test is simple: tell the snake not to eat you. Aziraphale’s is more about logic and books and figuring out which book is the best kind of book to read up about philosophy and philosopher’s stones. Naturally, Hermione would know the answer to Aziraphale’s test but since it is after Crowley’s… well, Harry can refuse to let her go with him since she’d be eaten by a snake that likes to eat people who can’t Talk Snake.

[26] At the same time that Crowley snaps his fingers, his wings curl back within his being and are, once again, no longer visible on the mortal plane. This is a good thing considering what happens next.

[27] Aziraphale, knowing that Crowley was once Raphael and was tricked into Falling by a very _dickish_ brother by the name of Lucifer, smirks at him with that smug look he has when Pomfrey says that. Crowley gives him his best glare but the effect is ruined by the amusement in his serpentine eyes. Eyes he has given up hiding around Hogwarts after he was pestered by a dozen students who were Amazed By Them and thought they were Wicked Cool.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos sustain me (as always) :)
> 
> I hope ya'll enjoy the roasting of pretty much everyone in HP in the style of GO because I had _a lot_ of fun doing it lemme tell ya xD


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